Love is definitely in the air in my family this summer. Two of my favorite nephews have tied the knot in the last month, bringing great joy and happiness to us all. It got me thinking about my own marriage and what advice I would give them about staying in love for the long haul. I'm no expert, but after 23 years of marriage I do have some experience.
We've all heard the old adage, "don't go to bed angry" and while I sort of agree with it, I think it has it's limitations. Sometimes disagreements that seem HUGE diminish greatly after a good night's sleep. If you stir up every minor conflict to work it out prior to going to bed all it does is set you up for a fitful night of sleep. Sometimes moving on from it without over-talking it will sort it out. Don't always be willing to go to battle.
I do believe in and put in practice "always kiss me goodnight". No matter what is going on the last thing we do before drifting off is a quick good night kiss. I also believe in a good morning kiss and hug everyday. Start and end the day remembering the love you share. It's a quick way to connect.
Never talk poorly about your spouse behind his or her back to friends. This is one that I think is probably the most important. First of all talking badly about your spouse is a serious lack of respect. Your marriage is a partnership and as 1/2 of this partnership you should be building your spouse up not tearing them down. How are your friends supposed to respect your spouse if you don't?
Same thing goes with your kids. Don't demean, degrade, and disrespect your spouse in front of your kids. Ugh, it really is just disgusting. Think about how it must make them feel. Don't do it.
Deal with conflict in a controlled manor. Yelling, cussing, etc. doesn't solve anything and just makes the conflict that much bigger. I think one of my greatest achievements is that my kids have never heard my husband and I yelling and arguing. And while we get along most of the time, there are times when we just disagree. I think a better way of dealing with conflict is to take a moment to step back and catch your breath. Overreacting and getting ahead of yourself never works. Separate yourself from the situation (even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom) and let your brain catch up with your emotion. I guarantee if you give yourself a moment the problem won't be as big of a deal. Then approach each other and talk it out. And by talk it out I also mean listen. Although it's a hard lesson to learn it's definitely a truth, you aren't always right.
Go on dates both by yourself and with friends. Carving out special time together is key!
Sneak away on short over night stays, when you can. We didn't start doing this until our kids were old enough to stay by themselves. But boy, it's been great! Even just getting away overnight is enough to revitalize your marriage.
Try new hobbies together and with the kids. My husband is always trying out new hobbies and while there have been times when I wanted to say "NO, I don't really want to _________. I almost always say YES and I almost always end up loving it. So be adventurous and try. You'll be glad you did, and if you aren't you will have at least bonded over it and you can check it off your bucket list!
Put your spouse at the TOP of your priority list. I know it's hard. Life happens and pulls you in a thousand different directions but don't lose the most important person in the shuffle. The life you are leading and building together should be the center of your universe.
Laugh. At each other, at life, heck even at your kids. Sharing laughter is great for the body and the soul. And it's contagious. Some of my favorite memories are when we're all just cracking up around the dinner table. Lighten up and let go!
Whew, I feel like I'm rattling on. I'm going to cut myself off here before I write a novel. I can definitely see a Part 2, 3, 4, on this topic. Let me finish by saying again, I'm no expert. I'm just a girl who fell in love with a boy and made a happy life.
~ XOXO jules
